When we first started to try to get pregnant, every new cycle brought a wave of hope. I still had a belief that everything would be ok, and every month I just KNEW I was pregnant. I never was. One person can only take being let down sometimes before they have to build up a defense.
So I eliminated hope. Every month my husband would say “I just feel so good about this”, and I would respond “well don’t, it’s not going to work”. That sounds awful, but it is all I had to get me through.
In my mind if I refused to ever get excited and hopeful, my heart wouldn’t break at the end. The problem is, that’s not how it works. I can pretend to be super negative and say that this cycle won’t work, but every negative test brings a new level of sadness.
Getting rid of hope didn’t get rid of the pain. The defense I put in place was not working. The problem with hope is that it sneaks in, no matter how hard you try to keep it out. By not saying my hopes aloud didn’t stop them from creeping into my mind ever single time.
It’s not that I am giving up faith. I believe faith and hope are very different. I still have faith that eventually this will work. I just don’t have hope that it will happen anytime soon.
Every night when I go to bed I pray. The past year, when my prayers haven’t been immediately answered, I have assumed god is punishing me. It hurts because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Why does everyone around me get pregnant but I can’t no matter what I do. Then I get upset because my husband is going to be the absolute best dad, and I try to reason with god. “God you can be mad at me, but please don’t punish my husband.”
After a lot of thinking, I realize that isn’t the case. God isn’t punishing me. He’s not like that. The problem is, he doesn’t answer our prayers on our time schedule.
Faith and hope are very different. I have faith, but having hope seems far too scary for me. Hope means putting my heart on a platter to be destroyed. Faith means trusting in god.
How do you handle keeping your hopes in check? Do you have new hope every month or are you like me and stay guarded?
I have FAITH that each of you out there will have your prayers answered.