The Problem With Hope

Faith and Fear require the same thing.  They both ask you to believe in something that hasn't happened.

Faith and Fear require the same thing. They both ask you to believe in something that hasn’t happened.

When we first started to try to get pregnant, every new cycle brought a wave of hope.  I still had a belief that everything would be ok, and every month I just KNEW I was pregnant.  I never was.  One person can only take being let down sometimes before they have to build up a defense.

So I eliminated hope.  Every month my husband would say “I just feel so good about this”, and I would respond “well don’t, it’s not going to work”.  That sounds awful, but it is all I had to get me through.

In my mind if I refused to ever get excited and hopeful, my heart wouldn’t break at the end.  The problem is, that’s not how it works.  I can pretend to be super negative and say that this cycle won’t work, but every negative test brings a new level of sadness.

Getting rid of hope didn’t get rid of the pain.  The defense I put in place was not working.  The problem with hope is that it sneaks in, no matter how hard you try to keep it out.  By not saying my hopes aloud didn’t stop them from creeping into my mind ever single time.

It’s not that I am giving up faith.  I believe faith and hope are very different.  I still have faith that eventually this will work.  I just don’t have hope that it will happen anytime soon.

Every night when I go to bed I pray.  The past year, when my prayers haven’t been immediately answered, I have assumed god is punishing me.  It hurts because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.  Why does everyone around me get pregnant but I can’t no matter what I do.  Then I get upset because my husband is going to be the absolute best dad, and I try to reason with god.  “God you can be mad at me, but please don’t punish my husband.”

After a lot of thinking, I realize that isn’t the case.  God isn’t punishing me.  He’s not like that.  The problem is, he doesn’t answer our prayers on our time schedule.

Faith and hope are very different.  I have faith, but having hope seems far too scary for me.  Hope means putting my heart on a platter to be destroyed.  Faith means trusting in god.

How do you handle keeping your hopes in check?  Do you have new hope every month or are you like me and stay guarded?

I have FAITH that each of you out there will have your prayers answered.

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3 thoughts on “The Problem With Hope

  1. theelusivebfp

    Hello! I found your blog through Stirrup Queens and I just wanted to say that this post resonates so much with me. I have felt so bad all those times when I have snapped at my husband and told him to cool it with his blind optimism then feeling so horrible immediately afterwards because I know how much he wants this and how he is trying to be the strong one. I identify so much with protecting your heart and trying not to get your hopes up even though sometimes hope creeps back in.

    I also wanted to tell you how strong you and your husband are. Infertility is difficult and I know how hard it can be dealing with that rollercoaster of emotions. I am glad that you have a plan and I hope you won’t mind me sticking around to follow your journey! My thoughts are with you and I wish you the absolute best for your upcoming cycle!

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    1. ewarski Post author

      You have no idea how much your comment means to me! I write this blog because I know how helpful reading others blogs is when I am struggling. Are you currently going through infertility treatments?

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  2. theelusivebfp

    My husband and I are currently on our 17th cycle of trying naturally. We just visited the RE last week and I am booked in for a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy in February. We’re hoping to get more answers then!

    I just read your latest post and I am wishing you a speedy recovery! You’re right, it’s okay to be angry and sometimes things do really just suck. When life gives you lemons it’s okay sometimes to tell life you don’t want its damn lemons.That being said, I really do hope you feel better soon!

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